Wintriest Nights

Your eyes, pupils
Black holes to the

                          Unknown.

To the all knowing.

The answers,
           surrounded by brown,
white,
                              and lashes.

A touch bringing silence, only
sounds of breath;
the exchange

                    of life
slowly seeping from your lips

I kiss.

Lost in it, the melting
                          of snow
I'm made of.





This is
        what they write about,
sing about,

long for,

                            die for,

live for.


This is...

Poison Without a Name

Lyrics:

Mother, Mother, Mother.
Lay me down and I will sprout
A willow tree.

So I can weep for eternity.

Cause it's spreading. It's spreading. It's spreading!
This poison, this poison without a name.

Mother, Mother, Mother.

I want to cry

All the damn time.

I don't know why.
But I'll smile when I look at you.

You're the moon and the stars,

the forests in between.

You're everything.

You're everything to me.

But it's spreading. It's spreading. It's spreading!

This poison, this poison without a name.

It's got me questioning everything.

Mother, Mother, Mother.
Lay me down and I will sprout
A willow tree.

I'll Always Love You in the Fall

Lyrics:

My love for you the phases of the moon.

So full of light when it's full.

But I've come anew and it's time for you to go, go, go, go.

But I'll always love you in the fall. (x4)

Let's not shed any tears tonight.

We've put up quite the fight.

She has other plans for me,

I know you can see.

But I'll always love you in the fall. (x4)

So we'll go, go, go

to the beat of our fallen love. (x3)

Titanic Tragedies

You used to be so tender;
the summer misting rain;
gentle, slowing washing
away my pain.

Tonight I sit distant,
questioning what I have to do
to feel that closeness
I once felt with you.

I’m chipping at this iceberg
with a bamboo spoon,
wondering how long till
I’m near enough.

But you’re floating away now
and there’s nothing I can do.

There’s nothing I can do.

I’ve opened myself
like the ugly flower in bloom.
I have yet to see
more than a glimpse of you
.

Here I am alone, naked
in front of you.

You have nothing to say.

You have nothing to say.

Feels like…

I’m chipping at this iceberg
with a bamboo spoon,
wondering how long till
I’m near enough.

But you’re floating away now.
There’s nothing I can do.

There’s nothing I can do.

You have nothing to say and
there’s nothing I can do.
There’s nothing I can do.

Kamacchanda

There is a knot tying. Each pull
and tighten burns, releasing

Nothing.

It holds it in;
Ties it down.

It.
It…

A desire to stand

                                still.

This life leaves no room.
There is no time

to gander,
to wonder,
seek, discover.

Only to-do lists, followed by
still haven’t done lists, followed
by endless tiredness.

Revive me.

Fill me with the rains
like empty pots.

Brush away the cobs, the dust
that fills my airways,

for I cannot breathe.

Let me live.

Live.

Mother,

show me how to live.

I have been deceived, only knowing
money, greed; only knowing

how to separate from you

though I know only you

                                                are
                                                                life.

The Ocean in the Sky

The swirls swell deep in my soul.

                                I feel

                them press at my palms,
attempting to breathe,

flow back into the universe.

                                I am

                that space, this universe,
Earth, world, cosmos and all.

It all flows within me.

                                I will be

                peace for all humanity.

E

It’s found in silence,
in the slow fall of snowflakes,
the wind brushing between beings,
blowing leaves, whistling.

It’s found in the strum of strings,
the deep chords that bellow
from the throat.

It’s found in the green
of trees, their whispers to me.

It’s found in everything.

Namaste _/||\_

Show me your faults
and I shall accept you,
                for they are not faults
rather echoes of myself
beating in you.

We are one.

We both fear. We think
with separate minds
that work in the same plane,

producing thoughts, little flickers
of energy that spill into the world
and cling to further minds.

We are not original.

We are not unique.

We are not superior.

We
are
one.

We are the same.

The pain felt by the elder tree
being separated from her roots,
I feel
                in me.

I feel the cut,
                the parting,
                                 the fall.

My soul is not
my intelligence.

My feelings are not
my perception.

My connection is not
my mind.

Intelligence
is wrongly measured
by miles of divorce.

My heart
                is no bigger than yours
or his. We are all capable.

We are all framed
                                to see

without sight.

My first knits

This Scares Me

Lyrics:

I want to be the moon in your eyes.
I want you to see me in the most beautiful light.
I might even let you find…
My heart is buried deep inside of me.

But this you already see.
You see right through me,
and this scares me.
Oh, this scares me.

How did you have me all figured out
when  you didn’t know what I was all about,
but you somehow have visited all
the places inside me
that nobody’s ever seen.

This scares me.
Oh, this scares me.

I don’t know what you see in me.                                                          
The more you see the more I believe
you could be the one for me.

Oh, this scares me.
Oh, this scares me.

I want to be the moon in your eyes.
I want you to see me in the most beautiful light. 

My Happy Song

Lyrics:

Watching the clouds go by
realizing this thing called time.
Oh, how it flies right on by
while I’m sitting here smiling.
I’m sitting here smiling.

The sun’s shining down on me,
while I’m singing.
So, I’m sitting here just smiling.
I’m sitting here smiling.

Watching the wind blow by,
how it sways the grass so high.
I’m listening to the creatures singing with me now
while I’m sitting here smiling.
I’m sitting here smiling.

Now the lady bugs are crawling on me,
thinking to myself how lucky can I be
to live in this world of beauty, beauty.

So I’m sitting here just smiling.
Playing my guitar and smiling.
I’m sitting here and smiling.
Playing my guitar and smiling.

Get Drunk

Lyrics:

Get drunk.
Tell me you love.
Say it to me again.
Let it sink into my skin.

Let the rain
pour upon our faces.
Tell me your secrets
that you never say.
Just tell me your secrets.

Show me, open the door
to your mind.
Show me your heart,
but I can't guarentee I'll show you mine.
But I'll try. I'll try.

So get drunk.
Tell me you love.
Say it to me again.
Let it sink into my skin.

How 'bout we wear our hearts
on our sleeves, our sleeves.
'Cause think I'm falling
in love, in love.
Oh, I think I'm falling
in love with you, with you.

December Day

Lyrics:

How we laid beneath the clouds,
lighting and thunder an echo
of ourselves; the sound playing out
but the flash is gone.

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow,
when the winter rolls in.

I kiss your lips from far away,
dreaming of that December day
I'll come walking in as if I never left.

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow,
when the winter rolls in.
Our August sun has set
but it will rise again.

And we'll stay up all night
till the sun comes up again;
just like those summer nights
let the sun seep in
through shades and sheets.
Oh, it filled us with such love.
Love don't forget,
though I'm distant from you now,
I'll see you again.

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Let the sun rise again.

Umbilical Cord of Heart and Mind

Through a field of lilies
she strolls.
The forest ahead,
an ocean below;
deeper she goes.

The shade becomes dark;
only fireflies glow.
(only fireflies glow)

What do you know?
Tell me secrets of this life.
What is this yearning
that lingers inside?

Fireflies glow.
The fireflies glow.

They scatter,
she shadows;
deeper she goes
till there is light
where a sunflower grows.
(a sunflower grows)

What do you know?
Tell me secrets of this life.
What am I missing
that haunts me at night?

And the sunflower sings
as the fireflies glow

Let the wind lead the way,
let it render you free.
This is no life
in which you lead.

See the beauty in me
bloom in those willing to be

your somebody.

You’re somebody.

Catching Trains

This distance brings me closer. I can feel
you in my chest, pump my heart, release
                                             my breath.

When you cannot be beside, you are
everywhere to me. I see you
in the stars,                initials carved
                   into invisible trees.

Not being able to feel you so close,
you become closer to me (youme).
                  I needed this distance
to let you inside of me. (myoue)

I'll bear my heart, wear it on my sleeve.
I am committed now
                               that I had to leave.

Maybe the longing is a necessity; you
showing me how much this means;
a                    thousand miles
won't stop you from loving me,

(when those before stopped suddenly).

I'll give you my love
                              unconditionally,
for you are far better than I could dream,
                                          (deserve).

I'll do my best
to make my heart heard. Let
her speak freely, finally, though only
                 to your non-judging ears
that hold my whispers gently.

I could tell you dark secrets from the past,
and you don't sit there
                                  feeling bad. You say
I'm beautiful for all I do, how I see
the world, how I see you

and all those close to me,
      how there is beauty in all to see.
Somehow you manage
                                    to see it in me.

Pursuit of the Quiet Mind

Gazing into the night, you are
within the shooting star;
at the end of the midnight rainbow.

Climbing the highest tree, I see
you in the greenest, dying leaf.
But you disappear from me;

vanishing upon waves of wind.

Adrift a field of sunflowers, I find you.
Successfully capturing the self,
we soar beyond clouds inside ocean tides.

Invisible Names Carved into a Tree (Destiny?)

I was sitting in a tree when a bird came up to me to say hello. Little did I know this birdie had a plan for me, though too soon for my eyes to see. So, I went here every day and so did she till one day when the skies were cloudy. She did not come but instead a man quite young and lovely sat beneath my tree, slowly unraveling her plan for me you see. He pulled out his guitar not seeing me above and sang the most beautiful song about love. As a tear dropped from my cheek he looked up questioning rain but saw me in my happiest pain. His cheeks became red in regards to the things he’d said so I dropped down and whispered, “Let’s get out of these clouds and trees that we’ve been hiding behind for weeks. Take me out. Let’s have a new beginning.”

Warped Splendor

Vines in spines made

of moons and tunes,
sun flower and gun powder,
many pieces of you.

Half-moon leaves
when sun flowers breathe,
wilting to starless nights,
empty thriving trees.

Here on this vine embodied
deep in my spine, moon
leaves of trees and sun
flowers weave through

the endless beauty
flourishing within you.

Haiku Series

Staring at paper
she feels so trapped inside it.
Autumn leaves blow by.

Bright lit screen fades her
in ways she never could see.
Sunlight appears dark.

Grocery lists say
do this and that till gone
while day waits to play.

Branches sing and dance.
She passes by without eyes.
They lost her to work.

Lotus Wings

This is one of my first attempts at watercolor painting. 

Music of Inspiration

A foreign room transformed
from my days as student.

Familiar in ways:
window sills, heavy
doors, white boards,

lost markers atop the piano.

Entering I shake seeing
sixteen wondering faces
staring at a stranger—me.

I do not break.

I have been educated
by the elite in matters
of mending, deciphering,

relating subjects to greenhorns.

The simplicity of adding
music notes, one beat, two
beats, with a ., three beats,

a grave matter to the assembled;
I reminisce moments sitting
in that fold-out chair, absorbing.

Here, her eyes light quickly
like a flame to gorgeous,
flowing hair; burning

as the wick of a candle,
steady, eager for continuous
education. Her adding, impressive,

her grasp, remarkable.
Though those quiet are not
forgotten—engaged with assistance

smiles bud from their
tiny lips; proud of this
momentous accomplishment.

I root a love to unearth

an understanding of connection,
between symbols and sounds;
a difference I’ve made—

a fragile sprout of a tree

growing with time, dedication;
watered by a substitute teacher’s
passion to evolve desires for learning.

Un poema para clases de español11/3/09

Yo miro en tus ojos
y veo al sol.
Tú siempre iluminas mi día.

Un momento sin ti
en mi vida y
los cielos siempre serán grises.

Un beso en la mejilla
manda las estrellas a volar
Yo no puedo verlo en una manera major.

Tú eres el unico que
verdadermente amo
y eso nadie puede cambiar.

English translation:

I look in your eyes
and see the sun.
You always light up my day.

A moment without you
in my life
the skies only shades of grey.

A kiss on the cheek
send the stars flying.
I couldn't picture it  a better way.

You are the one that
I truly love
and that no one can change.

Caught Between

Lyrics:

Why does my heart long for you?
I don't understand why I love you,
but I do. Though I swear it isn't true
'cause I'm afraid it could be
forever, forever you and me.
You and me.

So I lie to you, leave me alone.
Just leave me alone,
but I'm crying out, I'm crying
please, please don't go.
But you go.

I bleed when you forget me.
I lash out from my pain
that I never show.
Just kiss me, I can forgive
your cigarette flavored lips.

But I lie to you, leave me alone.
Just leave me alone,
but I'm crying out, I'm crying
please, please don't go.
But you go.

Oh, if only you could be
what you say you want to be.

But you lie to me, make me believe
that you could be a better man for me.
But I see, oh how I see things so clearly,
though I don't want to.
I see you.

A Call Girl Called Stacy

As he rolled off of her bare body, she felt something she never had before: filth. Stacy, the name everyone in Chicago knew her as, had been selling her skills on the streets for quite some time now. Never once had she felt any shame or filth in the things she did to get by. She sadly enjoyed herself, as pleasing these desperate men guaranteed money in her bra and cocaine up her nose.

“How much did you say?” the man grumbled with satisfaction and a hint of guilt in his voice while she pulled her skirt back down.

“A dime and 200,” she replied dryly. He glanced with a look of confusion. When he met her, she had spoken sweetly and pulled him in with the seduction in her voice. His needs had been met though, and the aftermath was not of concern to him; she could speak as dryly as she pleased. He pulled the dime of coke from his pocket and the two hundreds from his wallet.  After he pulled his coat over his broad shoulders and put his hat back over his dark brown, curly hair, he walked his short and chubby figure out the door to, in the eyes of Stacy, hopefully never be seen again.

She stayed in the hotel room for several moments after he left. She drenched herself with cheap perfume to rid the stench he had left on her skin, though to her it felt as though it had sunk in much deeper. It was a stench she could not eliminate and it reeked in her bones. She looked around the place as if this room was a reflection of her life realizing it was; the sheets messy with disgrace, the static of a TV show playing in the background, the coke in her palm, the odor of her perfume mixed with the scent of an unclean man. She quickly formed a line on the bedside table to escape. She laid back into the bed to let the high sink in.

                 An hour later, close to midnight, Stacy walked home passing by her corner at Pop’s Italian Beef Restaurant. She unlocked the door to her studio apartment where her mattress lay on the floor and her fridge was once again empty. She pulled her heeled boots off slowly and turned the T.V. on. After snorting a couple of lines the stench of that chubby man filled her nose. She felt queasy and quickly leaned over the side of her bed to throw up on the floor, but nothing came up. She hadn’t eaten in days.  She pulled herself into the bathroom, propping herself up over the sink. She lifted her raccoon eyes to meet herself in the mirror. She looked weaker than she had felt. Her face was dull and her cheeks sunken in as close to her teeth as possible. Her natural, dark-colored hair presented itself along the roots, though the rest was dead with blonde coloring. Her nose dribbled blood slowly over her dry, colorless lips.

                Grabbing toilette paper to clean up her nose, she headed back to her bed. As she lay down, her mind began to race. Flashbacks of her childhood mixed with scenes of her current life. Images of her mother’s bleeding face after yet another one of her drunken father’s beatings, or moments of dirty men grabbing at her privates after having paid a fee to own her clogged her consciousness. Half-mindedly, she decided she wanted better. Before she could think a clear thought, she found herself passed out still partially clothed.

                When Stacy woke the next morning, she awoke with a pounding headache and severe cramps. Looks like I’m out of business for a few days, she thought to herself. She opened the refrigerator looking for something to chug her Tylenol down with, but only found a cold beer. She grabbed it and sighed while she twisted the top off. Returning to her bed, she sat in silence, going back to the thoughts she never finished the night before. She searched around the room as if her answer could be found in the cracks on the walls or the spots where dirt hid between the floorboards. Her eyes found only her bag of cocaine. She concentrated on it for a long moment, for the first time thinking about what to do with it. There were roughly two lines left, and she had no money to purchase more. Her rent was due a week ago and even with the two-hundred she made the night before, she still didn’t have the funds to keep the run-down place she occupied. She felt that stench seep into her nostrils once again, and she knew she couldn’t continue this way. It was now a choice of life or death.  With the next few days now being open she took the opportunity she had been refusing for years; to help get herself cleaned up.

                Looking through her closet, she realized she owned nothing professional in any area of work besides prostitution. She did the best she could to make herself presentable and began the search for job openings. Since she didn’t have a car she rode the bus all over the city, stopping at each diner and pub she could find. She figured serving people would be easiest for her, since she had been doing it in a sense for so long. When she walked into the fifth diner of the day, Lou’s Diner, she felt she had finally succeeded. They were hiring and set her up with an interview for a couple days later. Thrilled with a possibility of change, she went to the nearest clothing store to buy some waitress attire. She figured since she couldn’t pay the rent either way, she might as well invest in her new job. Returning home, she snorted up the last of her dime, knowing this was the last of it for good. 

                The next morning she awoke to the sun in her eyes. It was nearly twelve when she rolled herself out of bed. Today was going to be a big day for the newfound Samantha. No longer would she be calling herself Stacy, no longer would she sell herself, and no longer would she do cocaine.

                She walked slowly up to the house just outside of Chicago. It was a half-way house, but everyone knew it as Marg’s Place. Marg was the lady who ran the house and helped those fighting addiction. When Samantha knocked on the door she was greeted by a warm face partially covered by red, curly locks.

                “Hi, I’m Samantha Burt. I called you earlier this afternoon,” Samantha said shyly.

“Yes, yes! Come in, Samantha. It’s so nice to meet you!” Marg replied with glee. They walked in to the small living room with green walls and a brown sofa.  “Would you like some tea?” Marg politely asked.

“Oh, thank you, but I think I’m all set. Maybe just a glass of water would do,” she nervously answered. After Marg returned to the room with Samantha’s glass of water and tea for herself, they spoke for a long while about Samantha’s big step of moving in. Samantha and Marg agreed that it would be best to do it as soon as possible, and with her being free after her interview in the morning the next day, she would move in then.  It was nearly 7pm when Samantha left the house. She was filled with joy. Luckily, a bus was running close to her apartment at 7:20pm. She hopped the bus and journeyed home, ready to begin her packing for the next day’s move.

She stepped off the bus into the chilling wind and began her five block walk to her apartment. It was just after 8pm, but the sky had already darkened. The streets seemed slightly quieter tonight than they usually were, but this could have been due to it being a Thursday evening. Pop’s Italian Beef was on her walk home and she dreaded walking by her corner. She continued briskly by the window hoping to not be seen. As soon as she got to the alley just beside it, a man stopped her.  He was short and chubby with brown, curly hair. She recognized him from a few nights ago. He was the man whose stench she could not rid; the man who changed her life.

“Can I get another round?” he said, obviously remembering who she was. He grabbed her arm tightly and pulled her closer. She could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“No, I’m not doing that no more. Sorry buddy,” Samantha said firmly trying to pull her arm out of his grip. He held on tighter and had an intense look in his eyes. She felt a bit of fear rise in her.

“Well, I don’t care. I had you once, Imma have you again,” he slurred as began forcing his mouth onto hers. She fought back but she was weak and he was drunkenly strong. With force, he pulled her into the alley beside Pop’s. 

Mending Shades

                I view through large, open windows the hectic world continuing on its diligent course. In here, this place in which I rest and mindfully observe, it is quiet.  Empty tables where people should reside sit lonely around me. The smell of cooked meat and fresh cut vegetables fills my nostrils as I breathe in deeply. The walls hold few paintings and are a hideous orange. The carpet shows areas well-traveled and where people lost their manners and left pieces of lettuce to rot upon the floor. My plum scarf heats my sorrowed heart as a breeze drifts through the bell singing door. Slowly, this place begins to transform.

The walls paint mountains and trees onto themselves, and oddly, I can smell their sweet scent. Puzzles unfinished make up the tiles beneath me, creating unexplainable images. The tables stay empty, longing for company. Heart shaped flowers spring delicately from each table top but droop when I look away, as if I have not given them enough mind or attention; the open windows distract me. I draw the shades, casting shadows into this visionary room while flickers of light break through.

A gentle tune of flutes plays lightly in the background. I can hear my heart beat half-heartedly in my chest and faint sounds of the happenings outside. A bird flies by with a destination in mind. Many cars speed and pass each other, hoping to cut minutes from their travel. Though, I am here, as if in another world where time is not defined but rather left outside. Only the measure of breaths I take guide me in understanding the world exterior to me.

These pieces scattered about, these heavy flowers, I question. Where are the missing pieces? Why do these flowers droop so sadly when I do not contemplate them?  I explore more deeply, letting myself out of my sound grip holding me in the moment; an epiphany begins to arise.

New windows appear on the far wall. I look out them and see myself placed in the middle of that hectic world. I see myself continually pass by my ill-colored heart but embracing my mind close, looking as if I’ll never let go. Puzzle pieces disperse beneath my feet as I hurry forward. I step back from my realization to let it sink in, to better understand how I let myself fall apart. I glance at those flowers again and see a fully healed heart emerge from its center. In my palm, puzzle pieces grow from nothing, but fit my unfinished foundation. I return them to their destined place and place my blooming heart in my hand, pressing it against my chest. It sinks into me, beating beautifully.