He prayed that evening, but this time it was a different kind of prayer than usual. He did not pray for his family’s well being, or for the job promotion he had been dreaming of all his life, nor did he pray for his girlfriend or her family. He prayed for God to take him away from his sinful mind, away from what he embodied, away from this treacherous Earth. He prayed to die.
Earlier that morning he woke to the day in the same manner he had the days before. He drank his first cup of coffee for the morning at the small table in the kitchen that sat at the base of the window. The white curtains let the morning sun shine in to warm the side of his face, but he noticed the approaching grey clouds. He mentally prepared for the coming day. It was Sunday. Church would begin at 9:00 am, lunch with his girlfriend followed by a walk in the park would happen at 2 pm, and then the evening was his to decide what to do. It was anyone’s guess what that particular evening would hold after telling his girlfriend of the news.
The phone rang and broke his trance. The song I Will Survive played as he slowly rose from his chair and walked to the counter. His slippers slide noisily across the floor. LUCY read the caller ID.
“Hey honey, how are you?” He spoke in a hoarse voice. He was pleased to hear the sound of her breathing on the phone knowing this could be one of the last phone calls between the two of them. He was sure she would not want to speak with him again after this afternoon.
“I’m well sweetie, how are you? We are doing our usual lunch and walk after church today right? ‘Cause I was thinking maybe we could switch it up and do a picnic in the park. I believe it’s supposed to be a,” she continued on. She always tended to ramble on the phone. Sometimes, you couldn’t even get one word in; you’d be stuck on the phone for well near an hour with her before you’d get the chance to say you need to go. “sunny day today. I mean, they did call for rain but they said that wouldn’t start till late tonight if it even came. We could get some potato salad and some subs at the market, maybe a little salad or something. Oh! And some ice cream sandwiches, you know those are my favorite.”
“Yeah, that would be perfect.” He said in with a hint of excitement. He was hoping to do something nice today with her besides the usual lunch at Bobinski’s Luncheon. “Maybe we could do it right by that lake out there, you know under that big oak tree?”
“That sounds amazing! I can’t wait. Well I need to get dressed and everything. I’ll see you at church.” Her happiness sent a sting of pain through his heart as he said goodbye and pressed end on his phone. He stared at the word for a moment, sighed, and then went back to his small table with the half empty cup of coffee. He dreaded the hot shower he would take in a few moments. No matter how much soap he used, no matter how hot the water was, he could not feel the cleanliness he desired.
He dressed quickly, because he had showered far too long, applied his aftershave, and combed his hair. It was 8:15 am. He had a thirty minute drive to the church he attended just outside the town of Park Forest, Illinois. He grabbed his third cup of coffee and headed out the door to step into his purple jeep that everyone hated. He said he hated the color but it was at a great price so he had to buy it, but secretly he loved it. He held a lot of secrets from those who knew him. The jeep was very tidy; the dash was dusted, windows were clean, there was no garbage anywhere in the car, only a notebook sitting on his passenger seat. He often would take rides, park, and write in this journal of the things he saw or the feelings he needed to get off his chest but could not tell anyone about. Those pieces of paper were the only ones to know the deep secrets that lay within the life of Jacob Alden Johnston. In the cover of the notebook was a quote from Matthew 26:41, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” Every day he would read this to himself, forcing it to give him strength.
Church passed quickly which did not excite Jacob in the least. While he was happy to spend the afternoon with Lucy, he was terrified of their day would end. She grabbed his hand and gave him a smile as they started to walk to the door. She stopped and hugged her mother and father as she usually did. Her father shook Jacobs’s hand and made a sarcastic remark about the tie he had chosen to wear today which Jacob just laughed it off. He felt like Lucy’s father, Preston, never liked him much. He had never done anything to wrong him, so he didn’t understand, but Lucy was a beautiful blonde girl who had a lot of potential and could get any man she wanted. Jacob was maybe average with dark brown hair who wore contacts so he didn’t look quite as geeky with glasses. He held a good job at the local town office and made decent wages but he was no prize to be won. He did treat women with great respect, though, and was a very good boyfriend, or so it seemed to those who knew him.
“So should we take your car or mine?” Lucy asked with innocence. He wanted to take his car in case things went so far south that she would leave him there. Then he thought it would be worse for her to refuse to drive with him afterwards if they were to take his car. He grabbed his notebook from the passenger seat then got into her car. She drove a silver Volvo that was quite roomy. She had all the picnic stuff put away all tidy in the back. A couple pairs of shoes sat in the back seats next to the blanket. She slammed the door shut and started the car. The music of Cher filled the car for a moment as she quickly reached for the volume knob. Cher was her favorite singer, though Jacob never understood why. She turned it over to the radio knowing his dislike of her music.
She drove with haste, always being five to fifteen miles over the speed limit. The park was only a few miles away leaving no time to enjoy the ride with her. The park was nearly empty as they grabbed the blanket and basket to start their short walk to the lake. Jacob felt needles in his stomach as he knew the moment was coming closer. He thought it best to tell her after their lunch. Reaching the oak tree he folded out the blanket and she sat down, emptying the basket of food and wine. She had a huge smile running across her face. He looked into her eyes and smiled back, but it was not a smile of happiness for him, more a smile of appreciation for this moment before the coming storm. He ate his sub slowly, listening to her talk on and on about her family, what happened in her college class the other day, how she can’t wait to be done with school, among numerous other subjects. He enjoyed her voice, the smell of the red wine on her lips, as well as the stillness of the lake. “A perfect moment,” he thought to himself. He cherished this.
“I think maybe we should pack up, it looks like it’s going to rain.” Lucy said as she noticed the grey clouds beginning to take up the sky and a wind picking up. Time was running out. He could not tell her this in the car while she was driving. That could lead to irrational thinking and her driving off the road. He did not want her to get hurt any more than she already was going to be.
“Yeah, we should probably do that. But I need to talk to you about something first, honey.” He said with hesitation in his voice. Misreading his body language, she became excited. They had been dating for two years now and she believed it was about the right time for him to propose. She thought this to be the most romantic date they’d had and was sure he was going to pop the question. She tried to hide her thrill of the words she imagined him to say.
“I don’t know how to say this to you. I don’t even know where to begin. Um, I’ve always had these feelings deep inside, and have just never said it… out loud.” He paused. Her eyes started to water a little, though he did not notice because he was looking at the lake. He glanced back up at her, focusing on her lips because he could not bear to look into her eyes. “I’m attracted to men. I know God does not want me to be this way. I know it’s the devil that is making me have these feelings…” He noticed her cover her mouth with her fingers that were painted red. A giggle escaped from her sheltered lips while a tear fell from her right eye.
“What? No, hun,” she started to say with a bit of hurt within her voice, as she had been assuming he was proposing his love. Disappointment swept over his face as he realized he’d have to make her believe it. “You definitely are not gay, that’s just not right, you know that. Plus, you’re with me. You love me and I’m a woman.” She tried finding ways to reassure her wishes that this was one big joke; one she did not appreciate. “Why would you joke about that Jacob? It’s really not funny!”
“It’s not a joke, Lucy, I’m being honest with you right now. I’m ashamed by this all, I really am. And God has punished me for my actions, Lucy, he really has. I went to the doctors a couple weeks ago,” he said with hesitation, “I tested positive for HIV. I’m so sorry, I do love you, Lucy, I swear…” he pleaded, hoping to find some understanding in her.
“Stop it! You’ve never even had sex before, you don’t do that till marriage, you know that! This isn’t funny Jacob!” She started to become angry in her denial.
“I have had a sexual encounter with a man. Lucy, please, trust me, I don’t want to hurt you but I have to be honest with you, this is how it is. I am gay, I have to be honest to myself and to the ones I care about. I have to be honest to you,” he continued on.
“But, Jacob… how could you do this to me? If you love me how could you want to be with a man? How could you have caught HIV? I just don’t understand, why?” she started to give in to the truth as the tears started streaming like flooding dams from both eyes. Whether or not she wanted to believe he was gay or not, she knew this was going to make a huge difference in their relationship, if they continued to have one.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve always felt this way. I don’t know what to say to you, but I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” A tear formed within his eye although he tried to hold back. He hated knowing the damage he was going to do to Lucy.
She began to bawl as she screamed out of frustration. “I don’t even know what to think right now. How am I supposed to just accept this? Just… just… don’t speak to me again Jacob! I can’t even think straight right now but I know I don’t want to speak with you anymore! You’re a horrible person for doing what you’ve done! I can’t believe it!” She yelled in furry, letting him know they were through. She jumped to her feet that sat in heels and ran to her car, leaving all the picnic gear behind, as well as Jacob. He sat there, his heart sunken into his feet. He laid his head into his hands and began to sob. He knew he had lost everything as he watched her drive away. He cried for a few moments longer then took out his notebook and pen.
July 7th I told Lucy of my sins today. I do not feel cleansed nor do I feel an ounce of happiness. This is what I deserve for my sins. God, I ask you again for forgiveness. I know my doings were wrong, and you have shown me just how wrong. I am alone and dying a sinful death. I would be happy to die today if it promised me Lucy to be free of the pain I’ve caused her.
The rain began to drop from the storming clouds above. Sounds of thunder crashed in the sky as he turned to watch Lucy speed away. He could not call anyone to pick him up unless he wanted to explain what happened and tell them of his secrets as well. He was forced to walk in the thunder, rain, and lightning all the way back to his car. He stood up with difficulty and began to walk, leaving his notebook with the shattered picnic beneath the oak.
After a mile of walking in the storm, he stopped at a playground and sat on the swing set. Making it this far was a challenge since he had wished to be hit by a car during his entire walk. The thunder and lightning did not slow as he swung on the metal swings. His head hung low with a mixture of tears and rain falling from his face. He prayed that evening, but this time it was a different kind of prayer than usual. He did not pray for his family’s well being, or for the job promotion he had been dreaming of all his life, nor did he pray for his girlfriend or her family. He prayed for God to take him away from his sinful mind, away from what he embodied, away from this treacherous Earth. He prayed to die. As he heard the last crash of thunder he leaned forward to stand and continue his walk home. Just before he was able to leave the soaking seat, lightning struck with immense force. His body wet from the rain but smoking from the lightning fell straight to the moist soil. His eyes no longer producing tears, he was unable to rise again.
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