Dear J's of My Life

                Where do I begin to explain how all you J’s chAnged me. My first, stEpping up to the pLate to teach me how to never again need someone so badLy chEst pains sting at the thought of being without; volunteering to be the first to truly crush my heart and naïve hope that in men there is a sliver of decency. I was a slow learner and it took five years and two more J’s before I could leave you. 

J nUmber two, you Showed me That forbIdden love is fuN, but only disastrous when you get down to it; schooling me on how to see the clues of a better cheat. Our fling so quickly burnt out the smoke still rises years later as a reminder.

The ultimate J, J number three, the One; you Helped me see the evil that surrouNded me, the bitterness and self-loathing I had, though you created more in the end.  I came to you with a wounded heart and mind and you, at first, made me heal, but soon infected me with a disease I still cannot rid. The One, you taught me that when the rain is pouring things are not at its worse, but hail and wind can fall and break things already broken.

                My J’s, through all of your brave and selfless volunteering to teach me the cruelness of relationships, I have come out not only scared to once again show myself to a possibly judging eye, but am incapable to give what I gave to you; love. My heart continues to beat, ooze from the wounds you all have left me. With this, I don’t know whether to thank or hate you for tainting me so beautifully. My eyes may be open, my heart may be closed, but my mind is left to decide what lessons to believe and hold dear, like I once held each of you.