Secrets of a Tainted Heart

My words so sour as milk months old, forgotten, and spill so slowly from my oozing mouth of a wound through fingers typing away not knowing what they say. I spill, like fallen glasses breaking and shattering upon the dirty wooden floor they didn’t see coming while enjoying the bliss of freedom before they reached their final place. On paper this ink sticks and stays and I can’t delete the feelings that reside within me, though gruesome and sick as they may be, sunlight, eyesight, they must see, be read by those willing to believe that I am only human and I cannot help but feel and say these things that upset me. My mouth moves so quickly like the vibrations through the air as I speak this to you, stumbling over my own words. They cannot explain, never will show what it is that I’m really trying to say. In my stumbling maybe you will feel what I feel and understand that I do not mean to hurt or lie, I do not mean to let myself cry but I don’t know how to express what is inside this lying and filthy mind that plays tricks and trades and wants things to stay the same and change all in one breath. I go right than left and find myself in the same spot as when I first thought I left, realizing I haven’t learned how to move but think that I’m so smart, know it all, I’ll give you advice on things that I continue to fail at. I fail, over and over again and I can tell you the things I learned and help teach you but I can’t take these lessons and apply them and know what the new outcome may be because I have not graduated from stupidity, foolishness, thinking that people are decent and I can trust them. Where do I find the answers for how to be mindful and have compassion for those who continuously step on my fingers and toes and smile while they break and I’ll let this happen and smile in return and help them until finally one day I snap and ramble in this messy form of a poem or reading and I let it all out, show my bruises and scars and how angry I can be from the things they have done to me. I have self-pity, I do not understand because I move forward in my mind while my heart stays behind holding grudges and reminding me that I should never again let her go into the dark alone and experience the unkindness of my own kind. But I do believe that out there somewhere is a group of people who care so deeply as I and understand this message I’m trying to say, understand this confusion that continuously haunts at bay.