Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I'll Just Shut Up

When you were gone, so much had happened
I don’t even know where to begin this yappin’
I sat long hours wondering why you’d gone
Why you couldn’t just stay and be my mom
Feeling I never had one my whole life
Cuts me open like a sharp knife
So I’ll spill my blood onto this page
Hoping it will free me from this cage

You’ve wanted to know my feelings for so long
So here’s your chance, I’ll explain to you, Mom
I was too young to know right from wrong
I didn’t know how to dance to life’s song
I stumbled and fell with no one to pull me up
See I know I should see a half full cup
But these aches and pains just don’t give up
So what can I say? I’ll just shut up

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Garden of Life

I walk through the canal with much anticipation. I have never been here before or even heard of this place. “I know this town, how could I have never heard of The Garden of Life?” I think to myself as I approach the exit of the canal. What lay behind the canal is a peaceful, yet transforming place.  It is far past dusk, so I can only see what the moon allows. Luckily, the moon is bright tonight, lighting the way just enough to fully appreciate and know what I am seeing. The beginning is already breath taking and I can feel the harmony of this wondrous place and the knowledge I am about to gain from it.  I’ve found the beauty behind the beast of a town that I thought I knew so well.
            After the walk through birth, a maze of hedges lies next on my path.
            “What a great representation of the journey of life” I say to my friend Amanda, who brought me to this place. I walk into the maze, with Amanda by my side, to see if I can find the way out. We both take off our sandals to feel the earth beneath our feet. The ground is wet and cold but the connection to the Earth makes it all worthwhile. One wrong turn after another seems to be representing my present life all too well. No matter how many mistakes I make, I don’t give up or lose my optimism but continue along the next path of my choosing.
            “Would you like for me to help us find our way out?” Amanda kindly offers as we meet another dead end. I accept her offer and we quickly find the way out leading us to the next step in life. “Maybe I do need to let people help me find the right path in life. I guess sometimes I don’t always know where I need to go,” I think to myself. Already, I’m finding new ways to improve my life.
            A short walk up a hill leads to a marvelous tree standing alone in the middle of the short cut grass around it. I find myself to have a special connection to the tree as it represents to me so much of what I aspire to be. To be strong, but be able to bend and dance with the wind; To be tall and proud of whom I am, but not too conceited that I let it consume me; To continue to grow but never lose my ground. This tree is The Tree of Wisdom. I walk up to it slowly, capturing its full beauty before I come to the trunk. I reach my hand out and place it on the trees cool trunk. It is smooth and almost delicate feeling.  A feeling of peace and understanding of who I am and opt to be washes over me like a striking waterfall over the hard, stubborn rocks. A moment with the tree of wisdom is already helping me feel this transformation I have been seeking for so long. The dirtied windows of my mind are clearing up, letting the sunlight come through. The confusion I felt so much before slowly drifts away as clarity comes to take over.
            We walk slowly, arm in arm, towards the next step in life. The small creek behind the dark woods sings beside us as we converse the meaning of life. We approach the place where you let something go physically and mentally, the place I have been waiting to set my eyes on. Buddha is sitting in his enlightened position with a smile across his face. Surrounding him are numerous objects from necklaces to money to notes. I see that many other people have come here to make a transformation as well. I set my object down in Buddha’s lap and wish to see a major change in my life. I wish to become who I am suppose to be and desire to be; To find direction and happiness; To let go of the past and start working towards a brighter future. Moments after placing the shot glass in Buddha’s lap and wishing to come in to my true self, I feel a better understanding of how I can do this and no longer just wish for it.
            The final steps in The Garden of Life are death and rebirth. Death is filled with old, dead tree trunks and burnt tree people. It is an interesting sight to say the least. I admire the burnt tree people and observe the dead tree trunks. I noticed that on the corner of the top of the trunk, a new life was sprouting. There were green leaves and a few small branches. From the old and dead came something young and beautiful, much how life itself works. It felt as if it was a representation of what was happening with me at that exact moment. The old part of me was dying off while I grew into the new, more truthful part of myself. I leave with a deep exhale, ridding myself of all my old assumptions, habits, and views on life.
            Entering rebirth, I walk through a wooden doorway with a cross overhead, leading to a small wooded area where the moonlight shined through the branches, showing the large stones for sitting and meditating. Words could not explain the feeling this place left in my heart or the beauty that lie in rebirth. It was the most astonishing place I had seen in my life. While the maze, the Tree of Wisdom, and death all amazed my eyes, rebirth made all those visions seem as nothing. This is a new beginning, a new life, and I am now ready to begin it.

LIjourneyFE

Birth; where it all begins
Life yet to be written.
Journeying through a twisted maze,
(You) Meet dead ends, (you) find new ways
Wisdom, it comes with time.
(You) Look carefully at nature,
(You) Sway like the trees,
(You) Dance with the breeze.
(You) Let it go, a lesson in life:
Life giving many obstacles;
Obstacles to be conquered;
Conquered by this beating heart.
Death; Rebirth
(You) Travel through the unknown,
(You) Leave the skeletons behind,
Free to pursue this mind


My Quote

You may not be able to change the world alone, but you can plant the seeds to change and watch it grow."
- Charlotte McIntyre

Dreams (9/27/10)

Each night I speak to you in my dreams
A fantasy world I've created for you and me
Somehow we always end up saying goodbye
I wake with tears filling my eyes

I never wanted things to be this way
You should know I would have loved if I could stay
But everything just wasn't right
Each day was just another fight

But in my dreams you're as sweet as can be
I can honestly say you truly love me
Too bad some dreams just won't come true
So I guess it's time to say goodbye to you

Looking At A Picture (12/26/10)

Looking at a picture
Of our memories from the past
You can see it in my eyes
I'm just a hollow vast
Holding only sorrows
Only tears from all your words
An empty heart at best
Is all you've left me in this world

Looking at a picture
I can see my faded bruises
The ones you left around my neck
Covered by my makeup and excuses
You said you truly loved me
As you pushed me to floor
Saying only nasty things
Stabbing straight through my core

Looking at a picture
I no longer see your worth
Only the devil in your eyes
Spreading evil on this earth
Your goal to bring me misery
To make me beg and cry
But I'm no longer your prisoner
I'd rather rot and die