Monday, May 23, 2011

Fingertips Speak of the Inner Craze and Crave

Love…
Love…

How can I speak of you;
explain the way you make me feel
when we lay side by side a simple
touch sends tingles; heart beats drown.

Love…
Love…

However do I write of you; tell how the smiles
just won’t leavewhen you’re here
there is nothing to say about you but…

Love…
Love…

Tell of how you’ve broke my heart
I can do; when I find you long gone, only sheets
to sleep beside meMy tongue no longer tied.

Love…
Love…

I feel I shall never keep you, though
I may have wanted to all this time. We
weren’t destined to be love… isn’t
for mejust a dream to be dreamed.

Heartbreak…
Loneliness…

I’ve found my home again, where I seem
to belong though not by choice. Here
I am chained, waiting to be set free.

Love…
Love…
when will you come save me?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Becoming Mute

With you, it’s more awkward being apart then close.
When there’s distance between us there is nothing
more to think about then how to end up in your arms.
Wondering if that is where you want me to be, hoping
and wishing it is it’s the most secure for me.


With you, talk is not cheap; Conversations 
stay noteworthy, thought-provoking,
always something new to voice, tell
to one another a love to share.
We’re on the same page, yet in totally 
separate booksthe genre of non-fiction.


With you, I’m trying to figure out what is wrong
with me, why I’m afraid to tell you I like you.
I’m never this way, usually always easy to say,
but with you, I’m afraid of your denial. I fear
I have lost all chances– keeping my voice quiet.

A Love Story

                He prayed that evening, but this time it was a different kind of prayer than usual.  He did not pray for his family’s well being, or for the job promotion he had been dreaming of all his life, nor did he pray for his girlfriend or her family. He prayed for God to take him away from his sinful mind, away from what he embodied, away from this treacherous Earth. He prayed to die.
                Earlier that morning he woke to the day in the same manner he had the days before.  He drank his first cup of coffee for the morning at the small table in the kitchen that sat at the base of the window. The white curtains let the morning sun shine in to warm the side of his face, but he noticed the approaching grey clouds. He mentally prepared for the coming day.  It was Sunday. Church would begin at 9:00 am, lunch with his girlfriend followed by a walk in the park would happen at 2 pm, and then the evening was his to decide what to do. It was anyone’s guess what that particular evening would hold after telling his girlfriend of the news.
                The phone rang and broke his trance. The song I Will Survive played as he slowly rose from his chair and walked to the counter. His slippers slide noisily across the floor. LUCY read the caller ID.
“Hey honey, how are you?” He spoke in a hoarse voice. He was pleased to hear the sound of her breathing on the phone knowing this could be one of the last phone calls between the two of them. He was sure she would not want to speak with him again after this afternoon.
“I’m well sweetie, how are you? We are doing our usual lunch and walk after church today right? ‘Cause I was thinking maybe we could switch it up and do a picnic in the park. I believe it’s supposed to be a,” she continued on. She always tended to ramble on the phone. Sometimes, you couldn’t even get one word in; you’d be stuck on the phone for well near an hour with her before you’d get the chance to say you need to go. “sunny day today. I mean, they did call for rain but they said that wouldn’t start till late tonight if it even came. We could get some potato salad and some subs at the market, maybe a little salad or something. Oh! And some ice cream sandwiches, you know those are my favorite.”
“Yeah, that would be perfect.” He said in with a hint of excitement. He was hoping to do something nice today with her besides the usual lunch at Bobinski’s Luncheon. “Maybe we could do it right by that lake out there, you know under that big oak tree?”
“That sounds amazing! I can’t wait. Well I need to get dressed and everything. I’ll see you at church.” Her happiness sent a sting of pain through his heart as he said goodbye and pressed end on his phone. He stared at the word for a moment, sighed, and then went back to his small table with the half empty cup of coffee. He dreaded the hot shower he would take in a few moments. No matter how much soap he used, no matter how hot the water was, he could not feel the cleanliness he desired.
He dressed quickly, because he had showered far too long, applied his aftershave, and combed his hair. It was 8:15 am. He had a thirty minute drive to the church he attended just outside the town of Park Forest, Illinois. He grabbed his third cup of coffee and headed out the door to step into his purple jeep that everyone hated. He said he hated the color but it was at a great price so he had to buy it, but secretly he loved it. He held a lot of secrets from those who knew him. The jeep was very tidy; the dash was dusted, windows were clean, there was no garbage anywhere in the car, only a notebook sitting on his passenger seat. He often would take rides, park, and write in this journal of the things he saw or the feelings he needed to get off his chest but could not tell anyone about. Those pieces of paper were the only ones to know the deep secrets that lay within the life of Jacob Alden Johnston. In the cover of the notebook was a quote from Matthew 26:41, "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.”  Every day he would read this to himself, forcing it to give him strength.
Church passed quickly which did not excite Jacob in the least. While he was happy to spend the afternoon with Lucy, he was terrified of their day would end.  She grabbed his hand and gave him a smile as they started to walk to the door.  She stopped and hugged her mother and father as she usually did.  Her father shook Jacobs’s hand and made a sarcastic remark about the tie he had chosen to wear today which Jacob just laughed it off. He felt like Lucy’s father, Preston, never liked him much. He had never done anything to wrong him, so he didn’t understand, but Lucy was a beautiful blonde girl who had a lot of potential and could get any man she wanted. Jacob was maybe average with dark brown hair who wore contacts so he didn’t look quite as geeky with glasses. He held a good job at the local town office and made decent wages but he was no prize to be won. He did treat women with great respect, though, and was a very good boyfriend, or so it seemed to those who knew him.
“So should we take your car or mine?” Lucy asked with innocence. He wanted to take his car in case things went so far south that she would leave him there. Then he thought it would be worse for her to refuse to drive with him afterwards if they were to take his car. He grabbed his notebook from the passenger seat then got into her car. She drove a silver Volvo that was quite roomy. She had all the picnic stuff put away all tidy in the back. A couple pairs of shoes sat in the back seats next to the blanket. She slammed the door shut and started the car. The music of Cher filled the car for a moment as she quickly reached for the volume knob. Cher was her favorite singer, though Jacob never understood why. She turned it over to the radio knowing his dislike of her music.
She drove with haste, always being five to fifteen miles over the speed limit. The park was only a few miles away leaving no time to enjoy the ride with her.  The park was nearly empty as they grabbed the blanket and basket to start their short walk to the lake. Jacob felt needles in his stomach as he knew the moment was coming closer. He thought it best to tell her after their lunch. Reaching the oak tree he folded out the blanket and she sat down, emptying the basket of food and wine. She had a huge smile running across her face. He looked into her eyes and smiled back, but it was not a smile of happiness for him, more a smile of appreciation for this moment before the coming storm. He ate his sub slowly, listening to her talk on and on about her family, what happened in her college class the other day, how she can’t wait to be done with school, among numerous other subjects. He enjoyed her voice, the smell of the red wine on her lips, as well as the stillness of the lake. “A perfect moment,” he thought to himself. He cherished this.
“I think maybe we should pack up, it looks like it’s going to rain.” Lucy said as she noticed the grey clouds beginning to take up the sky and a wind picking up. Time was running out. He could not tell her this in the car while she was driving. That could lead to irrational thinking and her driving off the road. He did not want her to get hurt any more than she already was going to be.
“Yeah, we should probably do that. But I need to talk to you about something first, honey.” He said with hesitation in his voice. Misreading his body language, she became excited. They had been dating for two years now and she believed it was about the right time for him to propose. She thought this to be the most romantic date they’d had and was sure he was going to pop the question. She tried to hide her thrill of the words she imagined him to say.
“I don’t know how to say this to you. I don’t even know where to begin.  Um, I’ve always had these feelings deep inside, and have just never said it… out loud.” He paused. Her eyes started to water a little, though he did not notice because he was looking at the lake. He glanced back up at her, focusing on her lips because he could not bear to look into her eyes. “I’m attracted to men. I know God does not want me to be this way. I know it’s the devil that is making me have these feelings…”  He noticed her cover her mouth with her fingers that were painted red.  A giggle escaped from her sheltered lips while a tear fell from her right eye.
“What? No, hun,” she started to say with a bit of hurt within her voice, as she had been assuming he was proposing his love. Disappointment swept over his face as he realized he’d have to make her believe it. “You definitely are not gay, that’s just not right, you know that. Plus, you’re with me. You love me and I’m a woman.” She tried finding ways to reassure her wishes that this was one big joke; one she did not appreciate. “Why would you joke about that Jacob? It’s really not funny!”
“It’s not a joke, Lucy, I’m being honest with you right now. I’m ashamed by this all, I really am. And God has punished me for my actions, Lucy, he really has. I went to the doctors a couple weeks ago,” he said with hesitation, “I tested positive for HIV. I’m so sorry, I do love you, Lucy, I swear…” he pleaded, hoping to find some understanding in her.
“Stop it! You’ve never even had sex before, you don’t do that till marriage, you know that! This isn’t funny Jacob!” She started to become angry in her denial.
“I have had a sexual encounter with a man. Lucy, please, trust me, I don’t want to hurt you but I have to be honest with you, this is how it is. I am gay, I have to be honest to myself and to the ones I care about. I have to be honest to you,” he continued on.
“But, Jacob… how could you do this to me? If you love me how could you want to be with a man? How could you have caught HIV? I just don’t understand, why?” she started to give in to the truth as the tears started streaming like flooding dams from both eyes. Whether or not she wanted to believe he was gay or not, she knew this was going to make a huge difference in their relationship, if they continued to have one.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve always felt this way. I don’t know what to say to you, but I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” A tear formed within his eye although he tried to hold back. He hated knowing the damage he was going to do to Lucy.
She began to bawl as she screamed out of frustration. “I don’t even know what to think right now. How am I supposed to just accept this? Just…  just… don’t speak to me again Jacob! I can’t even think straight right now but I know I don’t want to speak with you anymore! You’re a horrible person for doing what you’ve done! I can’t believe it!” She yelled in furry, letting him know they were through. She jumped to her feet that sat in heels and ran to her car, leaving all the picnic gear behind, as well as Jacob. He sat there, his heart sunken into his feet. He laid his head into his hands and began to sob. He knew he had lost everything as he watched her drive away. He cried for a few moments longer then took out his notebook and pen.
July 7th I told Lucy of my sins today. I do not feel cleansed nor do I feel an ounce of happiness. This is what I deserve for my sins. God, I ask you again  for forgiveness. I know my doings were wrong, and you have shown me just how wrong. I am alone and dying a sinful death. I would be happy to die today if it promised me Lucy to be free of the pain I’ve caused her.
The rain began to drop from the storming clouds above. Sounds of thunder crashed in the sky as he turned to watch Lucy speed away. He could not call anyone to pick him up unless he wanted to explain what happened and tell them of his secrets as well. He was forced to walk in the thunder, rain, and lightning all the way back to his car. He stood up with difficulty and began to walk, leaving his notebook with the shattered picnic beneath the oak.
After a mile of walking in the storm, he stopped at a playground and sat on the swing set. Making it this far was a challenge since he had wished to be hit by a car during his entire walk. The thunder and lightning did not slow as he swung on the metal swings. His head hung low with a mixture of tears and rain falling from his face.  He prayed that evening, but this time it was a different kind of prayer than usual.  He did not pray for his family’s well being, or for the job promotion he had been dreaming of all his life, nor did he pray for his girlfriend or her family. He prayed for God to take him away from his sinful mind, away from what he embodied, away from this treacherous Earth. He prayed to die. As he heard the last crash of thunder he leaned forward to stand and continue his walk home. Just before he was able to leave the soaking seat, lightning struck with immense force. His body wet from the rain but smoking from the lightning fell straight to the moist soil. His eyes no longer producing tears, he was unable to rise again. 

Facing Faces

I question the confusion, observe
morals compared to actions, wondering
whether to call myself two-faced.

Pretending it’s easy for others
to say no, though it’s difficult
with an out-of-control libido.

Having to experience both sides
is quite the excuse to use
to right my wrongs and bad choices.

Bad choices made in the right mind;
I just want your love, no ties holding
me backI’m just not ready for that.

I feel maybe he…
I was left confused; I’m still
trying to find my mind,

working on claiming my own
ground, not thinking what others
have drilled into me only know what I see.

Maybe overall I’m not as bad
as I believe what I see is not
what they see I still fear I’m a fraud.

But in realization, I see I hold many
people inside my lone body, so I cannot be
one way; I cannot be one face.

Hustle and Bustle and Forgetful of Things

Through two glass doors
we weathered the cold
wind beating our faces.
The spaceship not far
held warmth; waited.

I noticed something missing
as we walked further on
looking over my shoulder
I pressed on, assuring
I too wouldn’t be left behind.

The store kept him hostage
though she never saw.
What a mother she could be
had her head been screwed on.

I sat in my seat, buckled
my belt as she hurried to leave.
Does she really not see
the vacant seat beside me?

As she started the spaceship
and she pressed on the gas
I looked to the store,
began to utter,

Mom, you forgot Sean.
She didn’t believe
so we continued on.

What did you buy?
she finally asked him,
no answer replied

till she saw out the window
to her surprise, a young boy
standing, searching for his ride. 

Snapshot of this Generation

I heard the saddest music of my generation
through the speakers of the television

With images of women in their naked state;
money thrown around, poles, thongs,

With long bronze legs glistening with oil
and a stomach pierced and tatted

With a male surrounded by loose girls,
my generation.

With a beautiful woman, wet, bull riding
speaking of sex, displaying just how she does

With a man set by her legs
fingers slipping up her thighs

With words of private, bedroom tones, nasty,
unclassy, these girls loving all and any boys

With women with women with man
and women, bodies tangled together, not telling the difference

With no sense of love or caring acts,
breasts and ass the only things of matter

With thousands of lips all touching one another,
each other, skin to lips, skin to skin

With images of bare skin covering young eyes
and sounds of sex filling innocent ears,

I heard the saddest song of my generation.

Let Me Be Blunt With You

You’re not perfect, you know. Nor am I, but you must know face this truth, stop letting it rot inside you thinking you can reach this unreasonable thing. Thinking your better than him, her, or me.  Everyone has flaws celebrate this. Everyone wears faces made of scars. It’s not to be ashamed of, yet you think that if you make a mistake the world is over; your failure decides your fate in the most negative of ways. That’s not true, it’s the failures that make you you, your perfect you. Though perfect is only a thing of the imagination; no definition, no solid meaning its meaningless; an unrealistic goal no one can reach since, as they all say, it’s in the eye of the beholder. What you think is perfect is purely imperfect to me, therefore, perfect you can never be.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Note To Reader


Though we’ve never met, to you
I’ll show my wounds, express
the feelings those closest to me never
see; show you the pitiful part of me.

I’ll admit the things I fail to see,
until I start writing
when emotions
become clear to me. I’ll admit to being
weak and having anger. I’ll tell you
things you may never want to hear,
truths of past said to be buried
though they just lie rotting here
in the midst of my words and fears.

I’ve decided to become bare, show you
every inch of me
 what is there to fear.
Though you may judge, name me victim
or bitch, whatever side you may choose
all of these I am
 I will no longer deny.

'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to (1)
But with this I am okay; I have no reason
to hide from the bruises

that blacken my insides

This is me.



(1) lyrics from Anna Nalick Breathe



The Kindest Farewell

A desire to spill won’t waste my breath.
I’ll tell you only the words you need
to know; maybe share a memory with you

such as the time you tossed
all my memories away
trash
you say. How about that fake
proposal, letting me cry;
HAHA just a joke.

You’re not funny.

You’re not smart,

Or even the slightest bit classy.

Better than me–HA,
you can make me laugh.

You must know, I’d be friends
with Satan before you, you
pitiful excuse for a man.

You remind me of the scarce
moments when the sun split
giving a small ray of hope–
when we danced beneath the moon,
fireworks burst above, you kissed
me gently and looked in my eyes;

only a single blissful moment
amidst the infinite horrid ones.

A true memory,
I’ll give you one; your hands
wrapped like a rope around my throat–
me gasping, pleading, eyes near back
of my head and you finally release.

Then cry like a fucking baby, you
didn’t mean to do this to me.
Oh, I know, you love me–
no worries, dear,
I didn’t feel the pain or fear
every time I felt a loss of air.

No, these things don’t haunt
me every night. I haven’t
been affected by your actions
or the things you claimed of me,
or how you took my sanity.

You say you realized what you,
pitiful you, did to me, and you,
of course you’ve changed.
Love the Way You Lie
yeah, I’ll listen to it, remind
me of you, us, it’s true.

But here’s my song for you,
25 to life– I’ll read you my
version, and say my kindest goodbye;

Fuck you, I’m leaving you,
my life sentence is served, bitch.

Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Oh My !

The lion caged inside begging
to be released sends out cries
in words the human ear can hear,
though those cries never grant
release–just acknowledge the lion inside.

The tiger pacing, just waiting
for the eyes to see the beauty
that life itself can bring, a simple
breath is all the tiger needs for release.

The bear scratching, tearing
through the walls of the heart– escape
from this bloody place to waters
where the fish are plenty– the bear
no longer lonely, the lion no longer
angry, and the tiger basking in the sun.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Bloody Locket


I never knew the love
of a  father brother sister mother
until I lost one or the other
and had to look inside my shattered mind
pick up the          p  i  e  c  e  s
without looking behind
the closed door faces I once thought opened love
but they locked me in tight as a glove
and here I wept till I finally knew
it was a candy box I sat and I was the jewel the clasp
to this necklacethe family stone             p  i  e  c  e  s
broken in two only brought together by this azul jewel
so here we hang by our soring throats,
choking on hatred, each others  faults
but I’ll hold us togetherthe blood
of the two, the only one sharing
their DNA through…

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Political Affairs amongst the Fire


A pail beneath our bottoms with a dirt patch for a cup holder. Smells of burning wood and smoke fill the freshest air while passing the just rolled cigarette. Drink of twisted tea raspberry, one of many back yard parties. The police car passes several times through one hour. Never much excitement here. Where there is fire, there are peoplepeople drinking. Here, fires draw people in rather than push them out. It’s the only chance the cops may see some action.
The 20 somethings gather together, their thoughts on the country’s issues. Wood crackles in the background, hoping to give insight into politics. A debate arises, an intelligent one. Solid facts passed through ears, sitting in between, observing, and soon to be writing of events. A typical gathering in the boonies of Vermont; where great ideas produce from peasant minds–foundation of America. Headlights flash, and then pass, the conversation continues while others opposite the fire speak of different matters.